limping

the last few weeks have found me limping along. I had so many plans for all I was going to do and accomplish while I was working from home and undergoing treatment. Instead, I have found myself exhausted. I have cut my hours back at work; using up vacation days I scarcely feel that I can lose. I don’t have energy to exercise. Keeping up with just the bare minimum has been a feat of monumental proportions. I have let myself down. All of my insecurities have come rushing back. I don’t feel like myself. I don’t like how I feel.

Because I don’t feel like myself and have been experiencing the insecurities in rushing waves, I have found myself checking out more; too much tv, too many internet games, etc. All of these empty pursuits leave me feeling, well, empty. More empty than when I started.

Questions and ideas race through my mind. Should I start a Bible study? Should I host a group this fall? Which one? Should I force myself to do the exercise videos? Maybe you should just skip a couple of meals? You need to insert yourself in that situation, obviously so and so is not handling it properly. You are running out of time.

Issues and circumstances that have aggravated me and upset me start doing cartwheels and having small town fairs in my mind. Let’s overthink every idea.

Today, I sat down with Jesus and told Him, I couldn’t do it. He is so precious. His answer is always, “I know.” Then quickly, He always reminds me, “I never asked you to. Never intended for you to do it all.”

I started reading in Jesus Today

I will fight for you; you need only to be still. I know how weary you are, My child. You have been struggling to just keep your head above water, and your strength is running low. Now is the time for you to stop striving and let ME fight for you. I know this is not easy for you to do. You feel as if you must keep struggling in order to survive, but I am calling you to rest in ME. I am working on your behalf; so be still, and know that I am God.

Quieting your body is somewhat challenging for you, but stilling your mind may often seem downright impossible. In your striving to feel secure, you have relied too heavily on your own thinking. This struggle to be in control has elevated your mind to a position of autonomy. So you need the intervention of the Holy Spirit. Ask Him to control your mind more and more-soothing you from the inside out. Take time to rest in the shadow of the Almighty while I fight for you.

The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. Exodus 14:14

Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth! Psalm 46:10

The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace. Romans 8:6

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. Psalm 91:1

Like David often did, I find myself back to Psalm 25:1

O LORD, I give my life to you.
I trust in you, MY GOD!

Holy Spirit, I need you to control my mind. I need you to intervene in the thoughts and ideas I have allowed to run loose.
Teach me to rest. Teach me to rest in you. I don’t know how. Help me to stop trying to figure out your ways, and instead learn your ways.

About Teresa Neal

I am a Jesus girl. I have been redeemed by his blood and his love. I am also a wife, mother, daughter, aunt, sister, employee, friend, searcher, grace receiver, mercy needer and stumbler. I am fully in love with our God. I cannot do anything without him, although I try all too often.

I write about the things Jesus is doing in my life, about what the Holy Spirit whispers to my soul, my struggles with depression, anxiety and OCD, and sometimes my family.

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