So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today. Matthew 6:34
Rest has been a long standing issue with me. I mean I can be lazy, but real rest, always seems elusive. I don’t take the time to sit back and let God be God. I don’t enjoy His wonders. I do. I do anything to fill up space.
Since starting radiation, I have come to the end of me. Okay, probably not the end, but I have been forced to stop. Knowing there are weeks left of treatment; weeks left of daily drives to Chambersburg for 10 minutes of treatment, weeks left of going to the spare room every morning at 7 am to start my work day so I don’t use up every minute of leave, weeks of soreness. This has worn on me.
It is hard for me to ask for help. It is hard for me to have others do things that I should be doing.
So this combination of weariness over what lies ahead and trying to pretend that I can do everything I usually did and radiation, it came to a head. After my melt down. After a good sleep. I woke up to Matthew 6:34. I also woke up to the following devotional in Jesus Calling.
Do not worry about tomorrow! This is not a suggestion but a command. I divided time into days and nights so that you would have namageable portions of life to handle. My grace is sufficient for you, but its sufficiency is for only one day at a time. When you worry about the future, you heap day upon day of troubles onto your flimsy frame. You suffer under this heavy load, which I never intended you to carry.
Throw off this oppressive burden with one quick thrust of trust. Anxious thoughts meander about and crisscross in your brain, but trusting Me brings you directly into My Presence. As you thus affirm your faith, shackles of worry fall off instantly. Enjoy My Presence continually by trusting Me at all times.
God is gracious and merciful. He is always with me. But, He gives me what I need, one day at a time. When I look out to the weeks ahead of me, I grow weary. I fret. I get incredibly anxious. But God says, don’t worry about that. Let’s do this one day at a time. Let’s meet together each day and throughout that day. Let me give you what you need for the day. Let me infuse My Presence into you throughout the day. We can do this together. Trust me EACH DAY.
Then today, I read about the tower of Babel. Why was this so terrible? Because the people were making this tower as a monument to themselves. To all that they could do. To all that they could handle.
So, I stopped. God, am I trying to do everything I normally do and radiation because I want to edify myself? So that people will look at me and say, you are so strong. You can do so much. You are wonderful.
And shamefully, the answer I received was yes. Yes, that is my motivation. I want to stand out. I want it for me. I am making my own tower to my accomplishments.
Forgive me Father for trying to be my own god. Forgive me for seeking the approval of man before I seek YOUR approval. Forgive me for piling my accomplishments higher and higher so that I could be a tower in my own life and in the life of my family.
I want you to reign. Only you. Change me Lord.
Each time He said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9